HOLY BALLS I have a headache. A headache that pulsates with the sounds of middle-schoolers talking out of turn and laughing at things they will one day realize are not actually funny. Instead of having a song stuck in my head, I have, "But miss, it wasn't me!" and "(insert name), you need to sit down/stop talking/turn around/get to work" playing over and over.
I'm seeing myself revert to what I always do: wishing I could start over. I always tell myself, "If I could just go back and do it over, things would be SO much better!" Yeah, obviously. Because I would know what happens otherwise. I know that this is an excellent learning opportunity for me, that this is what student teaching is all about, that I will learn for next time what I should have done and for this time - and possibly any time in the future - what to do reactively and what kind of classroom management style is all my own. That last one I also know will not be totally developed in the span of a single semester, which is fine; I'm not supposed to have it all down, just a moderately solid idea.
I talked to my cooperating teacher after class and then called my mom (after calling three students' parents! mwahahaha) on my way to work, because she's been teaching since before she even met my dad and knows pretty much everything. They both agree that I need to start cracking down (I taught the kids that idiom a couple of weeks ago…if they don't remember what it means, they will soon enough!). My mom also suggested a new seating arrangement - a must, I already decided with my CT - that involves moving the kids as far away from one another as possible. While that could sound to some like a drastic last-ditch effort, I think it could work, especially with such a small class. They enjoy being near each other, but that is exactly what gets them all off track. Moving them apart is not so much a punishment as an introduction to a "new" class atmosphere. As they learn to participate respectfully and appropriately, they can move back toward the center. She also suggested a class meeting, of which I am totally in favor: I will lay upon them the responsibility of developing a new set of class "Standards, Expectations, and Procedures" (a.k.a. "rules"), as well as the rewards for following/meeting them and the consequences for not doing so. Hopefully, this will help them take some ownership of the class and how it proceeds, as well as teaching them to hold one another accountable. This will also (ideally) help in that these are not my rules, but rather theirs. That means that when they refuse to meet one of those expectations, I can turn it back around and say, "You thought this was important. This was your rule."
So we'll see how it goes. I'm trying to not get too discouraged. I'm trying even harder to not let myself start to think, "Maybe I just can't teach in an urban school." I don't want to give up that easily. I don't want to give up at all, actually. I just keep telling myself what other (extremely successful) teachers have told me before: "You just have to grow some balls and be a b*tch. It's gonna suck for a little while, but then it'll be awesome for a lot longer."
Oh, also, today my CT told me I'm a softie. Womp womp.
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